Monday, April 18, 2005

if you have been slimed

a multipurpose letter or note of dissatisfaction

Dear ( name of business or individual)

The parable below illustrates the reason why you ( lost, never got ) my ( business, vote, respect, phone number. )

With sincere good wishes for good luck in the future
(although I mean "luck" in the general sense of the word,
and not the kind of "luck" you seem to be finding around you.)

(your name)

Beulah's Country Donuts

Once upon a time there was a box of donuts.
Not stupid store-bought donuts, mind you. These were the Real Deal.
Made with love from the freshest possible ingredients.

A sweet little older lady named Beulah had fixed them up especially to share with others.
An optimist walked by the donuts and said,
Oh! Donuts! How lovely! How thoughtful!
And took a donut.

Then another optimist walked by the donuts and said,
Oh! Donuts! How wonderful! How lovely! Beulah is such a sweetheart. However, I am allergic to donuts. No donut for me is better, but that just leaves more for everyone else.

Then a pessimist walked by the donuts and said,
Isn’t that just typical. People make these stupid donuts and expect you to be friends with them.
And he took three donuts.

Then a self-described optimist walked by the box of donuts.
He read Beulah's handwritten note: Help yourself to some donuts, friend!

AHA! What an opportunity, thought the so-called optimist. This box of donuts will fit perfectly inside my carpet bag.

When no one was looking, he put the entire container of donuts in his carpet bag.
Then he went out and sold all the donuts. Then he sold the box, which was actually a cute little item by itself, as Beulah had decorated it with farm scenes and bunnies and so forth. He even sold the handwritten note.

Finally, when he was all out stuff to sell, he figured out a way to start selling the donut holes. Don’t ask me how. He just did.

When he was done doing that, he put on his handsomest bow tie, went and found Beulah’s house, and knocked on the door.

Good morning, Madame, said the Slime Lander, smiling broadly. “May I interest you in a business proposition?”

--from the Traces Library for Creative Literacy
this article may be forwarded or copied freely, but please credit Suzy Nees.